Weapons of Envy: A Personal and Psychological Study
Weapons of Envy is a personal essay about how I felt after watching Zach Cregger’s Weapons. (2025)
Envy in the Theater
The applause was thunderous, echoing off the theater walls as the credits for Weapons (2025) rolled. My hands clapped along, but my chest tightened. I froze in that seat as though every ounce of hope drained out of me. Watching that story unfold on screen, I felt a surge of admiration, but also a sharp sting of envy. It wasn’t about the film being good. In fact, it was excellent. And that’s what it was. Someone else made an excellent thriller, and done it brilliantly, while I sat hidden in the dark observing.
Psychologists describe envy as “pain at another’s good fortune”, not simple jealousy, but a visceral reaction when someone achieves something we desperately want ourselves. Recent research reframes envy not as a character flaw but as an emotional signal, a form of psychological discomfort that reveals unmet desires and ambitions. In that moment, the signal inside me was deafening.
First Taste of Envy
My envy didn’t start in the theater. It goes further back, before writing competitions, before film festivals. The first time I remember feeling it professionally wasn’t even in the arts. It was in real estate, year 2013. I was brand new, barely a month in, when the office held its monthly accolades. An agent was called up to be recognized as “Agent of the Month.” He got a bonus, applause, even the chance to lead the room in conversation. I should have been inspired. Instead, I felt a pang of envy, imagining myself up there, wondering why I wasn’t.
Studies show envy is most potent not when we look at celebrities or people far removed from us, but when we watch peers in the same field rise ahead. It’s the proximity that stings; their applause feels like it should have been ours. That small office event planted a seed in me, one that later grew during award seasons, film festivals, and eventually that night at Weapons.
Flashpoints – The Festivals and Awards
If the first pang of envy came in that real estate office, it reached its full crescendo in creative spaces. Award season was the hardest. I’d watch writers and directors step up to the stage, Oscars in hand, and imagine myself there. For five minutes, I let myself dream about the lights, the speech, the applause. But then it hit me: it was just envy, a cruel trick of the mind.
At Tribeca Film Festival, I sat in the audience as filmmakers showcased their work. Every round of applause felt like confirmation of my invisibility. I networked, I shook hands, I smiled, but deep down, I felt hidden. The applause wasn’t mine. Not yet, maybe not ever.
Psychologists have found that envy intensifies when we see recognition happen live, in our own circles. A 2024 study published in Current Research in Behavioral Sciences found upward social comparisons in workplace settings often trigger envy and feelings of inadequacy, especially when peers achieve similar or better outcomes.
Envy Paralysis
Envy paralyzes me first. It’s like a reflex. I’ll sit there thinking all hope is lost. The story I just watched? Perfect. The applause? Irrefutable proof. In my mind, when the majority embraces a piece of art, it becomes objectively good, and I must accept that it’s too late to compete or replicate.
But after the paralysis fades, sometimes a spark ignites. That happened when I watched Weapons. I couldn’t shake its structure from my mind. Nonlinear storytelling, interwoven narratives, the same kind of framework I’d admired in Crash (2004) and 11:14 (2003). At first, I thought it was pointless to try. People would only accuse me of copying. But the truth is, structure isn’t owned. Stories told this way can still be fresh, still be mine. Zach Cregger, director of Weapons, told a fresh thriller in that nonlinear structure.
Research calls this the difference between malicious envy and benign envy. Malicious envy freezes us, leaving us bitter or resentful. Benign envy, though, can transform into motivation, pushing us to work harder, innovate, or find our own path.
The Pivot
When the screenwriting competitions didn’t pan out and networking felt like shouting into the void, I didn’t give up on creativity, I pivoted. I turned to something I had quietly loved back in the early days: video games. But it wasn’t until early 2010s when playing Candy Crush made me want to create my very first game. At first, I didn’t think of it as a consolation prize. But looking back, it’s fair to say game development became the place where I could still try without feeling completely shut out.
Unlike the film industry, the mobile game world hadn’t failed me yet. There were no velvet ropes, no awards I was barred from. Just an idea and the willingness to build. In a way, envy redirected me from one medium into another.
Public Validation vs. Internal Worth
I don’t crave applause every day. I’m not someone who needs a constant stream of validation. For me, it comes only when I know I’ve earned it. Like hitting a personal record at the gym, that’s worth sharing, briefly, before I let it disappear in 24 hours. What I fear is oversaturation. If I push my presence too hard, people will grow tired of me. I can’t have that especially when I want to promote my other works.
And yet, when it comes to writing, I want the applause when I know I deserve it. Not because I need to be adored, but because recognition validates the years of work I’d put in. Psychologists note that envy often ties itself to status signals such as awards, applause, and recognition.
Honest Moments
The hardest part is pretending. Clapping for someone else while my mind whispers, “That should be me up there.” It’s not every time, and not for every person, only when the success overlaps with the work I want to do myself. That’s when the voice comes.
But there’s another voice too. Softer, steadier: “It’s not your time yet. It’ll come.” These two voices fight each other in the back of my head, envy against hope, resentment against patience. Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance, the clash between what we want to feel and what we actually feel.
Redefining Success
If I had to define success without anyone else knowing, without applause or awards, it wouldn’t be about me at all. It would be about my parents. Retiring them, taking away their financial worries forever. That would mean more to me than any festival premiere or standing ovation. Seeing public figures retire their parents makes me a little envious but also proud of their success.
This is where envy shifts. Research shows that when envy is reframed toward personal values, it can transform into fuel instead of poison.
The Universality of Envy
The more I reflect, the more I realize envy is inevitable. Everyone feels it. Some let it consume them, some let it drive them. I’ve felt both sides. I’ve wasted time wishing I’d gotten there first. I’ve also felt envy push me to try harder, even if only out of spite against my own stagnation.
Psychologists agree: envy isn’t something we can cure. It’s simply being human, especially in creative fields where success is so visible and celebrated. The question is how do we use envy to fuel us? For me, envy has been a shadow, but also a compass. It points to what I want most, what I still believe I can achieve.
I’m still learning to clap without flinching. Still learning to watch someone else succeed without shrinking into myself. But every time I do, I get a little closer to believing that one day, the applause will be mine.
References
- Sung, Sun Young; Li, Yi Xin; Choi, Jin Nam. (2024). Upward social comparison toward proactive and reactive knowledge sharing: The roles of envy and goal orientations. Journal of Business Research, 170, Article 114314. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0148296323006732
- BMC Psychology (2024). Social Media Ostracism and Creativity: Moderating Role of Emotional Intelligence. https://bmcpsychology.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40359-024-01985-2
- ScienceDirect (2024). Proactive Personality Influences Benign Envy and Creativity. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2405844024014889
- Newman, D. B., et al. (2025). Covariation Between and Causal Effects of Nostalgia on Envy. https://www.davidbenjaminnewman.com/uploads/1/3/2/7/132771163/newman_et_al.__2025_._nostalgia_and_envy.pdf
- PMC (2023). Envy, Social Comparison, and Depression on Social Networking Sites: A Review. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9955439/
- ResearchGate (2025). Envy as Pain: Rethinking the Nature of Envy and Its Consequences. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263048367_Envy_As_Pain_Rethinking_the_Nature_of_Envy_and_Its_Implications_for_Employees_and_Organizations
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